i write from the last few moments of silence left in this refreshing week. i’ve been staying at a friend’s house tucked up in mt sutra in the middle of san francisco… a five minute drive returns me to the chaos and activity that is the city; but up here i find myself in an entirely different world. i hear birds out the open window, the sun has room to rise in my view. i’ve read two books and have gotten somewhat caught up on email. every evening i’ve gone hiking with my only my own thoughts for company.  i fall asleep without the roll of cars by my window and instead hear the thunder roll through the clouds… all luxuries to me after 10months of living in the city.
 

I hear voices in my head… from so many people wanting so many things… more than I have to offer… more than I have to give. They remind me of my inadequacies and faults… of my insufficiencies and my weaknesses. The voices tell me I’m not good enough or lack the confidence or don’t have the talent or I just don’t belong. The voices seem to be everyone else’s voice but my own. Where did I go? When did I stop speaking what I knew to be true? Somehow, I lost my own voice when started listening to them. Or rather, I turned my own voice off when I started projecting theirs.

and so today, i declare my independence day. finally, there is freedom from what has been binding, escape from what has held me in. it’s not an overnight transformation but more a realization that what is now cannot continue… i want to thrive and not survive. no doubt changes will take place in the weeks/months ahead due to the realizations i’ve made this week.

just as important as knowing where i’m going is where i’m not. so here’s to the time andprocess it take to tell the difference.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.