Beginning the 2007 in India as a missionary and ending it as a consultant in San Francisco… I’ve never had a year of more extremes. Even as I sit to try and write this post and let myself process these intense changes, the words won’t come. Though often I have problems verbally manifesting my thoughts, the written words have always come easy. But alas, the past few months have left me, well… wordless.

And as much as I wish I could tell you how intense the highs of this year has been, the colorful ways I’ve seen His higher hand working, the creative people I have met, there is also a parallel side of deep longing, pain, and confusion which casts the shadows in this year’s painting. In this season, I feel empty and depleted.

I have this theory about love…it’s not just a feeling in your stomach or word you write in a card.
Love, as I’ve understood it, is a choice. It is a choice you make not once or maybe even twice, but daily. It’s choosing to love when the feeling has passed and the harsh reality of imperfection has come. It’s a decision that empowers and blesses, brings life and activates change. In its purest form, it is chosen with no expectations or stipulations but given unconditionally and without limits. Love refines itself and becomes deeper with age, it is contagious and fosters beauty. But when you stop choosing love, you stop loving.

I believe faith is the same way…it’s not just a feeling in your stomach or in a book you read. Faith, as I’ve understood it, is a choice. It is a choice you make not once or maybe even twice, but daily. It’s choosing to believe when the feeling has passed and the harsh reality of discipleship has come. It’s a decision that empowers and blesses, brings life and activates change. In its purest form, it leaves room for questions but relies on the acceptance of unconditional and limitless grace. Faith refines itself and becomes deeper with age, it is contagious and fosters beauty. But when you stop choosing faith, you stop believing.

And I’m slowly realizing, I haven’t done a good job of choosing. I’ve kept my head above water, I’ve done what was required of me, and I’ve given when it was convenient…
in short, I’ve chosen me. I’ve loved myself and believed in my own abilities, only to find neither are not sufficient. I will never satisfy.

And so, this Christmas, I choose to choose differently. I cling to the hope that unto us, a Savior has been born, a Son has been given. I have never seen his swaddling clothing nor known the make of His sandals. I’ll never visit His home nor eat a meal with Him. But in these moments where the feelings have passed and the extremes have stretched me more than I thought possible, I choose the love of a Savior who gave His life and I choose the faith that He has promised to never forsake. I trust in a way I’ll never understand in a God who left His heavenly realm and lived among us. Although I live in a world so foreign to the ways of grace, my heart trumps my head and I choose to love without regret.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 20th, 2007 at 11:23 pm and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.