i wrote a letter to myself.

have you ever done this?

it’s quite a bizarre experience…

do you use i or me, you or us… i was afraid to contemplate such pronoun usage for fear of developing a psychological, bi-polar-ish disorder.

none the less, i wrote a letter to myself because i wanted to remember and i didn’t want to forget.

my indian friends mailed my letter to me a few weeks ago and it’s been sitting unopened, and unread amongst my belongings.

i was kind of afraid…

i was afraid i had forgotten what it said, which i guess is the purpose of writing it, but not reading its contents defeated it.

i suppose i was afraid i’d already forgotten what a year in india had done to the development of ‘me’ and that only five months after leaving, i had negated its importance.

despite the fear of ‘knowing’ is the even greater mystery of not opening.

so i did; i opened it… i even read it.

and guess what?

i failed.

i’m not who i hoped to have been.

and i’m not… nor will i ever be.

i’ll never figure it out. i’ll never love the way i want to. i’ll never give the way i should.

i stumble a lot and i find myself on the ground again.

but i pick myself up.

i try to extend myself the grace He so graciously extends me.

i leave the now opened/read letter besides my bed [air mattress, mind you]

perhaps i’ll do better tomorrow.

 

26 april, 2007

jill.

okay. it’s been a few months and the time you spent in india might seem as if it is a dream. but open up your photos, read through your journals; what you saw, what you did, it was real. in fact, it was probably more real then the place you find yourself in now. the people here are so hungry for the Truth, their souls crave love. don’t forget we are all in need; don’t forget your own.

right now i still have a month left in india. i am torn between wanting to stay for the purposes and the people but a longing inside to be on to the next thing. as i write, i have no idea what the future holds after the chapter here, i don’t know where you will be living or what you will be doing. but i do know He will guide. perhaps by the time you’re reading this, you’ll have a better understanding to where He’s leading. if not, it’s okay; He’ll direct in His perfect timing. just wait. remember open hands.

i’m scared that when you return to life as you knew it before, you won’t fit, you won’t have a place anymore, you won’t find satisfaction in things as you had before. but even more scary than not fitting in as you had before is that you will. you may slip back into the comforts and convenience of life and forget about the way you lived in india. they’re not bad; just remember that contentment doesn’t require complacency; remember that you can live with less and the simpler life is actually easier. it’s okay to be a misfit, to be a foreigner in your homeland. eternity has been written in your heart and when you grasp this, everything else will feel temporary. this world is not your home. remember what it is like when the Father guides your day, when you start your day at His feet…your attention is focused on what matters today.

many people will not understand why you went, but don’t worry about it. we are all on different walks of life and the Father is constantly teaching us new things. we are all works in progress and don’t forget that He has a unique story for everyone of us. i hope you’re helping others along on their walk and other ones are helping you as well. please find women to invest in, widows to reach out to, hungry to feed. you are wired to be in relationship; you have been blessed to be a blessing.

the changes that occurred in you as you were in india, were internal and life-altering. it is my prayer that those inside changes have made their way outside and that your life looks different now. i hope the actions you are making are speaking louder than any of the words you are using. i hope when people look at your life, they can see that there has been a shift within you, a purpose driven deeper into your soul. you found a greater sense of your identity in Christ in your time here. don’t slip back into the pattern and defining yourself by the mirror or job you have, the busyness of your calendar or the number of relationships you are in. pick up your cross each morning and remember your identity as a disciple.

look over your computer screen, what do you see? i look out now to see a fantastic view of the himalayian mountains stretched out before me. do you remember how much you loved this view? you may not have the same obvious beauty now; you may find busy streets and high rises instead of pine trees and snow… but the same God who is alive and working here created them both. find Him there.

.jill

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